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trying hard

It is raining outside right now. It rained a bit today at lunchtime, too. This morning, I woke up to grey-sky, as anticipated by the forecast. I got my bag packed for the day, Jasper and myself dressed, some oatmeal ready in a metal bowl, and the two of us out to the bus stop on time.

I dropped him off at school, then caught another bus downtown. From there, I caught another bus to Seattle's industrial district for work. Once there, I found Mr Blunt dozing, and then we started the day. It took a while to get situated, as he seems to enjoy rearranging everything while I'm away, but it was good. I introduced him to Bhangra music, which we blared over the speakers.

I mostly worked on sanding down the veneer/epoxy sheets with the orbital sander. There's a (forgive me if you know what this is formally called) pneumatic air gun, clean-up thing that I knew I was going to hate to love as soon as Mr Blunt showed it to me. I also helped him set up next set of veneer/epoxy sheets.

I then traipsed in my rain boots through the wet and gritty stretches of concrete, gravel, and railroad tracks to my bus stop, at which point I took another bus to Pioneer Square. It had one of the most entertaining bus drivers I've had in a long time. I arrived late to therapy, which seems to be par for the course.

After therapy, I walked to the bus stop in front of SAM, which a brief dalliance into the way-too-high-end shop across the street's closing sale. I saw some incredible grey leather boots, on sale for a very un-sexy $150. Oh well. I think I knew I was just looking, however optimistic. This dalliance caused me to almost miss my bus, which I nonetheless caught by running to the next stop. My rain boots, while lovely and entirely waterproof, are not conducive to running :/

Once home, I killed time waiting for Ryan to come pick me up for a hot date to the food bank. It was good to see him again; I can't remember the last time I saw him. I went into the affair rather pulled back, aloof, even. Ryan asked if I would DJ and navigate, which I reluctantly accepted. I took almost all of my extra WIC milk with us to donate at the food bank, which was weird. I felt guilty also being there for groceries, but relieved, too. It was weird having Ryan as a [6'4"] sidekick on my poverty-induced adventure. We walked back to his car/apt and ended up spending some time just sitting, basking in a little surprise sunshine, and talking a bit. I got some closure about what went on back in Feb/March earlier this year between us. And he gave me an orange :)

After I got home and put away groceries, I headed out on the mommycycle to fetch Jasper. I'm glad to have my bike, glad that the flat has been fixed (thx again btmspox), but there are still plenty of flaws/issues I'd love to have fixed. I still have to replace the tensioner on the brake cable, which has been somewhat daunting. Also, the adjustable handlebars continue to wiggle more frequently than I would like. Right now, I can just keep tightening it every other day and hopefully soon jerryrig a new spacer/washer thing. Maybe someday I'll take the advice of the bike mechanic and just get a fixed stem that I like.

In addition, Jasper continues to grow, his seat doesn't, but the need to have a better way to transport the tyke does. Third wheel might be my cheapest option (thanks maimerofhearts for the help), but I am not sure how safe, compatible with my frame, and truly quick-release it would be. As for the frame, it's a bike I was given and is better than the since-forsaken mountain bike I have. It doesn't actually fit me very well; I'd like something a little lighter and not so compact between the wheels. I'm cramped without Jasper's seat on there, nevermind with it!

But hey, the damn thing has cost me little to nothing to maintain and gets the job done. I also have no money to bandy about on anything else. The pipe dream of a scooter still echoes, but not so strongly, esp with the rain. My van, my dear Wendy, I don't know what will become of her. I'm having a hard time justifying paying her high monthly insurance, and I drive it as little as possible. I have a persistent mind-gremlin that all her workings are far more impaired than I know, something of a time bomb... ::sigh::

I'm hesitant to exhale right now. I feel mildly wary of the shift in seasons, chiefly the onset of winter. Ryan and I discussed a strategy to keep myself afloat, which gave me a little hope, but I'm just not sure how it will go this year. I don't know what's going on in terms of work or career for me right now. I enjoy my work with Mr Blunt, and with Fay on Saturdays, but it's not ultimately sustainable. I feel I lack the stamina, at least right now, to make anything else more sustainable happen. This then makes me feel like I'm a whiny, pathetic runt. Then I try to console myself that maybe this is just hard, I'm doing the damn near best I can do, and there's no need to emotionally self-harm. This, however, just sounds like more pathetic whining.

Auugghhh, fuck.

One thing I'm avoiding right now is replying to the series of "Subject: re: conflict" emails with btmspox. I know what's going on, but I've got no cartilage, no grace with which to divulge this information. In one way, it's all resolved, in another way, I feel like I have to make some unflattering-but-true offering of confession and apology. In the words of Ella Rose: "yucky, icky, ucky, yicky, pooey, blearghhh..." All in good time, I suppose.

In the meantime, I'm trying really hard...