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nude

lift to release

I think I wish there were something word-wise I could say right now, but it's not surfacing. My mind feels like a changeling soup, as that from which Odo might have come. It's a little frustrating, b/c there's a lot of stuff to process lately and I want it done now... or do I?

In a way, I'm content with the amorphous ambiguity, though a little less tolerant of the uncomfortable/negative feelings/thoughts that arise. Satisfaction mingles with yearning, fatigue with zest, gaiety with mournfulness, hope with woe. My inner world pushes and pulls, further from and closer to ppl as the tide of thoughts ebbs and flows, though not respectively.

There are feelings of disgust, anger, loneliness, fear, exclusion, condemnation, failure that are coming up. While I don't know if I -enjoy- them, I think I'm sitting with them a little better. Friday was horrid, however. I could barely tolerate being in my own skin. My thoughts were so self-toxic, and I couldn't seem to escape them. I don't want to brush them aside completely, though, because I am still toying with the idea that (some of) the criticisms were valid, though harsh or exaggerated... and yet, I can't hold them. So, maybe they're not useful.

Everything is okay right now.

But then, I'll feel like everything is NOT okay right now!!

And I suppose both things are true.

For the time being, I'm ignoring two okcupid persons/conversations, which brings up lots of opportunities for guilt, etc. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, to acknowledge that if I'm not ready to handle them, likely offering closure to the conversations, then it's not time to do so. And while I don't aim to cause anyone harm, my intentions are to not do so and that counts for a great deal with me.

Otherwise, I'm feeling this at once healthy and light as well as heavy and unhealthy pull toward my friend Bryan. I am writing this somewhat as a way to make my feelings known to him... I like some of the yummy things I felt in spending time with him. While I am able to find fault with him, I'm fond of his particular scheme of attributes... I feel yucky when I feel him pull away, or offer less than I'd like of togetherness energy... Right now, I'm grappling with my own self-loathing (misdirected self-protection device) for feeling connected and sweet and sweaty about him, as well as feeling like he's pulled away, or that I want him closer/more often (is that even true??) and he wants me further/less often.

ngah.

Sunday evening, I saw a glimpse of synergy with him. A mutual, dynamic conversation, with us equally potent... but it was just a glimpse... I'm wary of making too much of it, but likewise letting it slip away if there's more.

I've had several friends point out to me, as though I could not see it for myself, that I am wading through a lot of responsibilities and issues right now, and that perhaps seeking an intimate relationship is not the best idea, or that it's actually counter-productive. This makes me ache. I cannot seem to help but translate this to mean that I currently do not deserve a partner, though I know that is not what anyone is meaning or implying.

I keep feeling like what I really want is a partner. One friend pointed out how perhaps starting a relationship on unequal footing would create a permanent limp. I could see that happening, and yet part of me hopes for some currently inarticulable way in which a partner could come in, and slowly but surely offer the kind of dedicated intimacy that I want... without either of us feeling indebted or burdened by the other.

But maybe I don't want to be too close to anyone right now. I changed my okcupid and lovelab profiles, saying that, though single, I'm only looking for friends. ::shrug::

There are also my feelings and issues with Kheper, but they seem a little less focal. I think I attached too much at first to his acquaintance, and perhaps I do not truly see him. Also, it was while spending time with him that I came upon the toxic internal tide on Friday. Though not -his- -fault-, I feel the need to withdraw from him a little and get my footing. I think I was approaching him from an insecure/unhealthy stance.

There have been some opportunities for communal living sprouting around me... and I feel a general anxiety. I think I have been quite burned in the past by communal living situations. I have a hard time thinking they could actually serve and include me. And it just seems like a lot of work.

Okay, all of a sudden, I'm done.

~andrea

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