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screw

beaucoup trop

beaucoup trop = too much

There's too much going on, too many responsibilities and issues alurk.

I have a build up of laundry and dishes. I'll blame that partially on the 18 Nov Day w/Out Natural Gas. We're running out of clean undies and socks for Jasper. He's peed on (but not in) his trousers at school almost every day the last week or two. Apparently, Jasper's got some issues with aim while sitting on the potty.

These two tasks are literally growing around me, and I'm overwhelmed. Partly, don't want to do laundry because of the expense, though I went ahead and got change for $5 at Safeway tonight, in good faith that maybe I'd get some laundry done. The dish water has been drawn up countless times, but no dishes done. I cannot simply get the urge to do them.

Today, Jasper still had a fever from the night before, despite two doses of acetaminophen, at appropriate intervals, of course. So, I couldn't take Jasper to school. And, though I'd made tentative arrangements for back-up childcare with Uncle Allan, I was too exhausted from the night before to wake up in time to complete some community service hours (that I actually had some intrinsic interest in completing).

Then we got ready to leave for parenting class. I'd hoped it would be okay to have Jasper in childcare for the two hours the class would take, but we ended up getting turned away once we got there. I'm okay with that, though I really want to end this parenting class BS as soon as possible; now I'll have to return in ten weeks to complete Lesson Four.

We headed to the bus stop. When I saw it would take a good twenty minutes for the bus to arrive, I thought we'd try our hand at what appeared to be a food bank at the Salvation Army building behind us. We got some bread and bakery items, along with some bananas, apples, and a sack of lettuce.

I accidentally/incidentally missed Food Not Bombs yesterday, so this helps. I feel, however, like I got a lot of shit I don't really need. I mean, I don't need three boxes of scones and two of cookies. But, now that I have them, I'm going to eat them and stuff my cheeks with them like the stingy [read: genuinely afraid of not having enough to eat] little squirrel that I am. I feel so fat and strung out on refined sugar :/

I just ate two pieces of pumpkin pie.

Also, tmrrw is another gamble. If Jasper is still feverish, Clinton and I have decided it would be best to get Jasper to his doctor. This means, I'll have to call Clinton to fetch Jasper and/or make an appointment with Dr. Katie. I may or may not be able to put in my typical three hours of work. I would have to take Jasper with me to therapy. This would be okay, since I was considering doing it on Wednesday anyway, but I was really looking forward to at least one "real" session this week. I'd cancel Wednesday's session. I may or may not be able to go to the University District food bank like I was planning on.

If Jasper is well, it's business as usual... but I have to make all these decisions at 7am tmrrw. I'm feeling a little stressed.

Back to the community service, I'm freaking out b/c I'm supposed to get in these 25hrs by 5 Jan 2010 and I'm starting to genuinely doubt I'll be able to make the cut. I have very little availability. I can work from 9am-1pm on Thursdays. I could also put in time on Sundays, but I haven't found a place that wants hours then. There's a possibility for Fridays, though I really don't want to give up the one free day I have with Jasper, both for his sake and mine. Even if I could arrange childcare for Fridays, I'm not sure where I'd get hours in.

Did I mention I'm trying to do this all via bus? I have a minivan, but I cannot afford fuel for her, nevermind maintenance. I disregarded that when I drove to work on Saturday, and I nearly perished with fear and loathing. I've also spent more money on food this month than I can budgetarily afford, esp if I can't work tmrrw. I've spent around $50. My dad's been helping me for several months now, and I haven't gotten a check this month yet.

I'm stressing.

And stressing makes me feel like a failure.

And it feels like everyone else has more than me, either by having fewer issues or responsibilities or sensitivities and/or by having more friends, resources, love.

Feeling this way makes me feel like a whiny asshole.

Maybe it's just the sugar talking...


~andrea

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