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autumn

Longterm

I got home from therapy a little over an hour ago. It was a good session, or at least one in which I asserted myself quite a bit. There is some radiance around the grief of seeing how rare my [imaginary] partner is.

I am doing everything I can to improve my situation, to care for myself, to choose what seems best, and to "go with the flow". Other than that, the glaring solution to my sundry dis-eases is Unidentified Partner Man [UPM]. I criticize myself for this conclusion, that it is somehow codependent, escapist, or otherwise unhealthy of me to "obsess"... but to be fair, that's not what I'm doing. I'm loving myself... and my complement, even though he's absent.

I do not worship him or believe him to be some Messiah. I foresee there will be a great deal of mutual adjusting and learning and growing to do in the name of loving each other... but the faith I am cultivating is not unlike that of a religious devotee. I cannot prove to anyone that such a man as I desire exists, but I hold this profound desire for him, which matures daily. It is this desire which I know concretely, and yet also cannot fully transpose for anyone else's understanding.

I seem to write about UPM until I am sick of it, and certainly you, dear reader, are sick of it, too. I do hope sometimes that you will read it and be inspired, gladdened, that someone can still honour her desire without being able to sate it. Isn't it difficult for all of us to not hate our unmet desires? Is that not just another way to hate ourselves and, in some twisted way, an idiomatic hope of saving ourselves disappointment?

Dear friends, I CANNOT quelch this desire! My misadventures, my heartbreaks, my poverty, my strain, anguish, and fear do not seem to be able to expunge it either!

Have I constructed some immaculate demand on Fate that cannot possibly be satisfied, and thereby also constructed sure discontentment for myself? Is it a mere symptom whose clamor distracts from some odious pathology?! Perhaps, perhaps... but this yearning is here, and I will hold it as long as it needs to be held. Perhaps I am heart-strong, a cardiac superwoman, but I am doing nothing short of what comes naturally for me.

Until the solvent juncture, then, I shall do my best not to fill the square hole with round pegs, to not invite into my inner sanctum those who are not my UPM. This is the hardest part. In holding this desire, it is more real and vivid, and it aches more... I hope, however, that I have learned, or will learn very soon, that nothing, nothing will fulfill it except the real thing; and I know what that is, or will when it comes. I imagine it'll be a lot like when labor starts.

Does it hurt more to love a decoy than to be alone? If only it did...

I think one thing I'm learning the last few days is that loving and exploring, though not necessarily with my UPM is still somewhat beneficial. Also, this does not mar me, nor does it "get in the way" of me meeting the UPM. That will happen when it happens. As pressing as the desire has sometimes felt, and sometimes logistically is, I don't think it's something I would miss.

In closing, I will say this:
Dear UPM,
I want to use you to sire at least one more of my beautiful, remarkable babies.


~andrea

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